


until you set your old heart free

by bluroflights



Category: Sex Education (TV)
Genre: And Emma Mackey is AMAZING, And a complete badass, But OBSESSED with this show, Character Study, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, God this show is SO GOOD, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm anxiously waiting for a 3rd season, Maeve is my new favorite character of all time, Relationship journey, Romance, Vignettes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:22:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23255401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluroflights/pseuds/bluroflights
Summary: Follows the ups and downs in Otis' and Maeve's relationship throughout the rest of Moordale, University, and into adulthood.
Relationships: Otis Milburn/Maeve Wiley
Comments: 33
Kudos: 120





	1. learning to dance

**Author's Note:**

> Story title (and some of the chapter titles) inspired by one of my favorite songs, Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hellos - I highly recommend listening to it! It's a beautiful song.
> 
> A lot of this story is inspired by the amazing works of other authors in this fandom, especially the work Anger Is An Energy by howardtduck48. Thank you all for writing such beautiful words and stories and helping me create my own. Much love~

Otis finds it difficult to believe he’s here right now – with no clothes on and Maeve snuggled up beside him, drawing lazy circles on his chest. He’s pretty sure he’s dreaming – a really good fucking dream – and he’ll wake up any moment, his boxers and sheets a mess and him scrambling to hide the evidence. To be perfectly honest, he can’t believe any of the last three months have been real. But he’s not going to complain – just in case – with Maeve by his side.

They’re both slightly sweaty and glassy-eyed, heartbeats beating a bit faster than normal. This should feel gross, Otis thinks. But it doesn’t. It’s quite nice actually. Maeve smells faintly like cigarettes and her hair smells like lavender, which calms him. Her skin is soft and her body is warm. His fingers run slowly up and down her arm. Her breath glides softly against the few hairs on his chest and he thinks this is heaven – yeah, that makes more sense: he’s died and gone to heaven.

“You know, I’ve never done this before,” Maeve says, the first to break the comfortable silence.

“Hmm?” Otis asks, lifting his head just a little.

Maeve lifts her head as well, using Otis’ chest with her right hand to prop herself up. She turns her body around to lay down on her stomach and folds her arms against his chest. Maeve’s touch sends shivers down his spine.

“This,” she gestures between the two of them. “You know, after.”

Otis’ faces scrunches in confusion. “What about when you were with Jackson?”

Maeve sighs and turns back to her previous position, her arm now spread across his torso. “I mean, yeah, but it was never like this.”

“Like what?”

Otis feels Maeve shrug against him. After a beat, she says slowly, “Comfortable. Safe.” She draws more circles on his skin.

Otis’ heart flutters and part of him feels like he’s soaring.

Otis turns on his side and sidles down the sheets to meet Maeve’s eyes. Maeve’s hands find their way under her cheek and Otis props his head up on his elbow. Maeve grins. “Hey, dickhead.”

Truly, Otis doesn’t understand how Maeve laces that word with as much love and warmth as she does. It should be weird that he’s come to find it endearing. But it doesn’t. Everything feels really… normal, which is the weird part.

“I’ve never done this either.”

Before Maeve can ask, Otis answers, “I mean with Ola we never really went all the way and we were never really in love. And the few times we ever like this, it never really… felt like this, y’know?” Maeve listens intently. Otis watches as she folds her lower lip and traces her teeth along it. He smiles softly. “And with Ruby, I mean, I don’t even remember it, so…” Otis laughs.

“I’m still kind of mad at you about that,” Maeve says. He knows she isn’t referring to him losing his virginity to Ruby but of the events preceding, the one where he knew exactly what words would hurt her most and said them in front of their entire year.

“I know.” Otis nods, his lips in a tight line. He’s apologized a hundred times and he has no doubt that he’ll apologize a hundred more about what happened that night. Yes, he had been confused and hurt by what Ola had done to him but in true asshole-fashion, he had taken that out on Maeve, the one person who didn’t deserve any of it. It didn’t matter that he had been hammered out of his mind – he had still done something intensely horrible. When she confessed her feelings to him, it had turned his world upside-down and he wasn’t able to process all of it in the right way. He was so sure that his perspective was the right one that it was hard to accept the reality of what had happened; he couldn’t replace it with the reality he had built in his head. So he got angry and pushed her away; he told her that he couldn’t see her anymore, rationalizing that he was being a good, loyal boyfriend; and he had humiliated her in front of their entire year and accused her of being the most selfish person he knew, when it was him that was being selfish. Classic projection.

That night, he had become yet another person in her life to break her trust and let her down. He loved Maeve and he had deliberately hurt her – that would be one regret that he’d take to his grave. It was a wonder that she ever decided to trust him again. Maeve had given him another chance and he wouldn’t blow it this time - he’d spend every day showing her how much he loved her.

“If it makes you feel any better, she said I wasn’t that great.”

Maeve acquiesces. Otis can tell she’s holding back a smirk when she replies, “Maybe Drunk Otis is shit in bed but Sober Otis seems to know what he’s doing.”

Otis can feel his whole body blushing, the redness creeping its way across his chest, neck, and cheeks. Before he has a chance to ruin the moment or embarrass himself, Maeve pulls him into a kiss. He can’t help but smile into it. Her fingers trace his chin lightly. He wraps his arm around her waist to bring her in closer to him. Their bodies are flush against each other and Otis remembers that they’re both still very much naked.

It had all happened so fast. One minute they were making out, Maeve’s fingers playing with the short hairs in the back of his head and Otis’ hands sliding underneath her shirt, and the next, they were partially unclothed, she was breathlessly asking, _“Is this okay?”_ , and he was enthusiastically consenting. From the moment puberty hit, he’d always had this weird mixture of nervousness, awkwardness, and fear around his personal sex life – hell, he couldn’t even wank until he was 16. He’d squirmed away from wet dreams and even the mere thought of kissing Maeve that one time on the bridge had him in a panic. Panic was a good way to describe it: panic when he tried to lose his virginity to Lily, panic when he and Maeve almost kissed, panic when Ola had wanted to take their relationship to the next level. And that panic only intensified towards the end of the school year when Otis and Maeve started officially dating. Sure, he and Ola had been intimate, but they never went all the way. And with Ruby, he was drunk, careless, and amnesic about the whole thing. Aside from that one drunken disaster, Otis was an A-star overthinker when it came to anything sex-related. And as brilliant as Ola was and as pretty as Ruby was, in Otis’ eyes, they weren’t a match for Maeve. Hell, no one was a match for Maeve Wiley. And not only was she brilliant and beautiful, she was the girl of his dreams. The girl of his dreams who also happened to be experienced. Rationally, he knew that she wouldn’t care – she would be respectful of his virginal status, she wouldn’t judge him (she’d said so herself that night on the bridge), and that sex wasn’t the only thing she wanted from him. Yet those were the only things he could think of.

At first, it hadn’t really crossed his mind. He had become a bit more secure in his sexuality and he was just over the moon about being with Maeve. They decided to take things slow – neither of them had been in a relationship quite as intense or as precious as this one. Things were good, really good. They hung out all the time, flirted openly and held hands, kissed each other good morning and goodbye, cuddled on sofas and beds watching movies, they made each other laugh, and held each other when they needed to cry. It was as if their relationship was always a part of his life – like he hadn’t lived before she came along. (In a way, he supposes he didn’t.) Then, one morning as he biked into school, he had seen Jackson and Maeve across the quad talking and laughing. Her hand was on his arm, and he suddenly remembered all the goss spread by the girls Jackson had hooked up with about him being properly good in bed – and one of those girls he knew _intimately_ just so happened to be his new girlfriend. His new girlfriend with loads of experience dating a boy who couldn’t even wank until he was 16. Combined with Eric telling him all about losing his V-card with Adam, Otis had spiraled into an anxiety free-fall. It had become so consuming that even the thought of being alone with Maeve had him reeling. It wasn’t that he was jealous of what Jackson and Maeve had – those feelings had already ran their course (and Jackson had all but said that she had feelings for Otis during their relationship). It was all of the feelings of inadequacy he had thought he’d hidden away.

Throughout the course of their initial friendship, he had felt that his feelings were so obviously apparent and Maeve, the most beautiful and brilliant girl in the world, was just putting up with his awkwardness merely for their newly created business. When they started to become friends and started to get to know each other a little better, Otis dismissed her affection as Maeve just being a kind human being. The almost-kiss on the bridge? Yeah, foolish to think it was a moment – _stop making this all about you_ , _you male_ , he would think. _Can’t believe you would force your feelings upon her like that!_ He settled for friends because getting to be around her even when his feelings were unrequited was loads better than not being around her at all. Soon, she’d gotten with Jackson, despite his _very_ public gesture, and that had solidified his rationalization. Maeve wouldn’t want to be with him – Otis Milburn, a sexually repressed, awkward, lanky boy with a weird sex therapist for a mom and an absent asshole for a father. But apparently she did.

Maeve Wiley had always been his kryptonite, so despite his brain’s ramblings, Otis acquiesced to his heart. What else was he going to do? Not be with Maeve? Yeah, right. His insecurities still ate away at him though, in small bits at the back of his mind. But there was a content-ness when they’d hang out together that made him forget about all of those things. There were no expectations or pressure from her side – it was just all fun. He started to take himself a little less seriously and get out of his own head, and enjoy the moments he was getting to have with Maeve (he was truly lucky). They moved from base to base slowly, never pestering each other about whether or not the other was ready or when they would be. It became an unspoken agreement to let things happen organically – less talking, more feeling. Otis always had trouble with that but now, he finally understood. Communication wasn’t always about explicit chatter.

Some part of him thinks that he had just exhausted himself with dwelling in his anxiety that when the time came, his insecurities couldn’t muster up the energy to consume him. But Otis knows that’s not it. When Maeve had started to unbuckle his belt and smiled at him, and he had looked into her beautiful brown eyes for her own enthusiastic consent, it wasn’t about performing well or how much experience or all the levels of expectations. It had just been him, her, and that moment. It had been about pleasure and getting to watch the girl he loved finally let go of all the control she’d been holding onto. It was about making her feel seen, feel safe, and feel good. It was about showing her how much he loved her and how grateful he was that she chose him, trusted him. Sure, there were still intrusive thoughts but he was able to stomp them out right away, or rather, Maeve’s ministrations distracted him quite well. And the nerves that came up were the good kind – the ones that make you smile and laugh and fill you up with a warm, fuzzy feeling that makes you soar.

And now, with Maeve pressed against him and making noises that he could only dream of before today, he feels the good kind of nerves again.

He pulls away, reluctantly. He has to say this. “You make me feel safe and comfortable too.”

Maeve lights up, her smile stretching from ear to ear. Otis thinks she’s never looked more beautiful. That was one of the perks of being in a relationship with Maeve Wiley – getting to see her genuinely smile without her holding it all in.

“I love you,” Otis breathes. This isn’t his first time saying those three words to her and it certainly won’t be the last, but it is the first time he’s saying it with the absolute knowledge that she loves him back, in the same way that he loves her; with absolute trust in her and himself. They’re finally on the exact same line of the same page of the same book.

Maeve’s hand is still on his cheek and she caresses softly. Her thumb lingers on the edge of his lips. Her fingertips dance teasingly near the spot below his ear (that he just discovered, courtesy of the one and only Maeve Wiley) that sends lightning bolts down his spine. She inserts her leg in between his and inches closer, her lips millimeters away from his. “I love you too, Otis,” she breathes. And before he knows it, they’re falling again, learning to communicate without words.


	2. it's been so long since I've given you away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this chapter being so late - life has been getting the best of me. To make it up - this one's pretty long! Hope you enjoy!

She realizes it while making herself a cup of coffee, before heading off to school. It’s the good stuff – a roast that he bought from his summer holiday to Italy with his mother and then gifted to her.

_Otis Milburn is the love of her life._

Loving Otis and being loved by him is not new. In fact, it’s been a shining beacon of light in the darkness she’d been so long accustomed to. He was the catalyst to her change and growth in ways that she previously didn’t think was possible. Alongside Otis, it took Aimee, Eric, and Mrs. Sands to show her that maybe, just maybe the world wasn’t that terrible of a place.

Maeve never thought she could dream of a life more than what she already had. She had locked away her ability to hope a long time ago, learning at a young age that promises were meant to be broken, people were meant to leave, and that the only person she could ever rely on was herself. She learned it being abandoned by her father, by her mother, and even by her brother. She learned it every time Aimee left her for the Untouchables and reinforced that their friendship could only exist in secret; learned it when Jackson just used her to keep him from spiraling and told her she was difficult to know, loving her only because it suited him; learned it every time Otis had hurt her (she thought she had felt every hurt imaginable until Otis); learned it when Principal Groff expelled her out of spite; learned it when Isaac lied to her and tried to insert himself between her and Otis. She learned to have no expectations except the ones she placed on herself, and even those were strictly limited. She learned that dreams bigger than the expansion of her living accommodations were too dangerous, and to trust sparsely. She learned all of this at a young age and life kept reinforcing the lessons – there was no bright future for someone like her; no happy endings.

But then Aimee dumped the wanna-be plastics for her; Jackson apologized and offered his friendship, showing her that he indeed cared for her; Mrs. Sands got her back into school and showed her just how much she believed in her, giving her permission to dream bigger; Isaac no longer stole her gas canisters and was eventually honest with her. And every day for the past year, Otis showed up to love her, desperately earning back her trust. People started showing up for her. It took her a while but she began to hope and started to learn that she could have more expansive dreams than big windows and a dining room table. She learned that she could have a future, one where her past didn’t define her.

And it was that thought that crept into her head this morning and threw her for a loop. No, she wasn’t shocked by the prospect of being ~~in love~~ head over heels for Otis; it was that she imagined a future with him. A _real_ future with a job she loved, a family she adored, and yes, a ~~house~~ home with big windows and four chairs around a dining room table. Maybe even a backyard. And a dog.

“Earth to Maeve!” Aimee waved a hand in front of her face, breaking her out of her daydream. _How funny_.

“Huh?” Maeve blinked, bringing her back to reality – studying with Aimee and Steve on the quad, the sun shining on them, a cool breeze wafting their way every once in a while. “Sorry, Aimes. Off with the fairies.”

Aimee followed her gaze across the quad and smirked. “Otis must make a pretty fairy.”

Maeve bit back her smile, trying to hide the blush creeping up her cheeks. “Shut up.”

But Aimee pressed on with that knowing look in her eyes and smirk on her face, “What you thinking about then? Go on.”

Her gaze lingered on the form of her boyfriend. Currently, he sat on the brick-ledge that separated the grass from the cemented walkway, chatting with Eric, a bag of crisps in his lap and a laugh dancing across his lips. His smile was one of the many things that Maeve found endearing about Otis. His smile was a hallmark of his sincerity. And it always seemed to reach his eyes; his blue eyes that sparkled and made Maeve all soft inside.

Maeve just shrugged. She turned back to Aimee and said, “I’m just really happy.”

“I’m happy for you,” Steve chimed in, his million-watt smile blinding but genuine. “You deserve it.”

“You do, babes,” Aimee gave her a wide smile too and maybe there was something going around because one crept onto her face as well. Her cheeks were starting to hurt. She looked down to try and hide it, but to no avail.

“Awww,” Aimee squealed and threw herself on her, giving Maeve a tight hug.

She laughed and feigned trying to get the other girl off her. “Alright, you muppet. Get off!” But the smile on her face spoke volumes. Yeah, she was really happy.

And it was true. For the first time in her entire life, she could finally say, truthfully, that she was happy. It sounds so easy and simple – but she hadn’t felt that way in a very long time. She finally had people in her life that she loved and cared for that also loved and cared for her; she had people that truly believed in her; and her future seemed bright, that ratty old caravan so close to being a mere memory.

It was their last year at Moordale and they were all in the midst of preparing for their A-levels. For Maeve, this was her make-it-or-break-it moment. There was a lot of pressure to do well because doing well meant a good university and a chance at a real life, the real future she’d imagined this morning. It was a chance at being somewhere else – somewhere good – in ten years.

But the small voice in the back of her mind crept up in her quiet moments, telling her how she’d be stuck here forever, that she wasn’t meant for greater things, that she was still a little girl that screwed everything up. If it wasn’t for Ms. Sands, Maeve doesn’t think she’d have made it this far, let alone have a chance at scholarships and a good uni. Her membership in the Aptitude Scheme and the Quiz Heads (two-time consecutive NSQC finals winners) bolstered her chances, and her grades were pretty solid. Some part of her wondered how long it would last. She’d learned a long time ago that in moments like this, the other shoe would always drop. Life would teach her the depths of its cruelty.

Maeve was trying so hard to hold onto the good moments and to hope. There was a lot to be grateful for and while she might not be the richest or come from the most stable of backgrounds, she did have a family, one that loved her back just as much as she loved them. A very weird family but one nonetheless. And even better, one that she chose who also chose her. It was all she dreamed of as a little kid. (And as a big kid too). But having stuff to hold onto meant that you could lose it too. And that’s what she was terrified of. Her whole life consisted of loss and if she lost this, she fears that might not have the strength to pick herself back up.

And Otis… trusting him again had been one of the hardest things she had to do. He had been a true asshole and said things that really hurt her. She had opened up to him and he had thrown it right back in her face. In front of their entire year no less. After that, she had run out of anger. Actually, she had skipped anger and went straight to disappointment. _Shame on her though – she should’ve known better._ Otis had been the first person to show her that maybe she could be loved. And on top of that, she had called social services on her own mother and was told that she’d never be forgiven for it. That night, alone in her caravan, was the loneliest she had ever felt in her whole life. She should have been over the moon, celebrating her NSQC win but life proved once again that happiness always came with a price. She’d knocked on Isaac’s door that night – he was the only person that she knew could understand a fraction of what she was going through. He wasn’t always the best company but he was a good distraction and that night, more than any other, that’s what she needed. The rest of the weekend had been spent like that, going back and forth from his caravan to her own, relegated to trailer park life. It was her life, who was she to have thought any different? When the week started again and she had to go back to school, she did everything to push forward. She focused on her studies, making exceptions only for Aimee, and did her absolute best to blatantly ignore Otis – she was done with apologies, they never meant anything anyways. After a couple of days of ignoring stammering apologies and refusing to look him in the eyes, it had seemed that he had finally gotten her message to leave her alone. But Otis, in true fashion, was persistent and when the weekend rolled around again, he had shown up on her doorstep.

She and Isaac had just come back from a grocery run and on his insistence, both his and her groceries were on his lap as they made their way back to their lot in the caravan park. “I can’t feel them anyway and it’s practically a makeshift baggage holder. Lord knows we have lots of baggage to carry,” he had crudely joked. She had just laughed and did as she was told – arguing with him was pointless anyway. The grocery bags made it nearly impossible for him to see where he was going unless he craned his neck and they were playing a fun game of guide the dummy with only Maeve’s voice. Isaac was purposefully ignoring Maeve and pretending he had x-ray vision, making her laugh. He was cracking jokes about becoming the next X-men and maybe even plotting a coup against Professor X when she saw him.

**.**

_Otis sat scrunched on her doorstep, his knees cradled to his chest and his fingers fiddling with his phone. He stood up quickly as soon as he heard her voice. He smoothed out his button-down – his nice shirt – and dared to look at her, so much anxiousness held in him. Even from here, she could feel his stupid blue eyes boring into her. He gave her an awkward smile and slight wave as he shifted from one foot to another, unsure of what to do. Good, she thought, let him squirm._

_“Maeve?” Isaac stopped and looked back at Maeve, standing still a few feet behind him, her face set in stone. He squished some of the grocery bags down to see and his jaw immediately clenched._

_“What are you doing here, Otis?” Her voice was cold and sharp – she didn’t have the time or energy to deal with his crap._

_He scratched the back of his head, trying to find the right words to say. “Um- I-I was trying to see if we could talk.”_

_“ **We** don’t have anything to talk about. Or didn’t you get my ignoring you?” She snapped back. _

_He winced. “No, um, I got that. I just…” He took a breath and steeled himself, stepping forward. “I just wondered if you got a chance to listen to my message. I know it’s not an excuse for what I did but I was just hoping that-”_

_“What?”_

_Otis stopped rambling and looked at her, confused._

_When he didn’t answer, she pressed on, “What message? What are you on, about Milburn?” She was really getting impatient now._

_If it was possible to look even more confused, he did. Otis looked to Isaac and then back to Maeve, trying to connect the dots._

_“I, uh, I left you a voicemail.” He stepped forward, only a few meters away from her now. “I came here last week after the NSQC finals to talk to you but you weren’t here. I told Isaac to tell you.” Otis looked pointedly at the other man. “He didn’t tell you?”_

_Maeve looked at Isaac who looked like a deer in headlights. This was the not the Saturday she had planned and she was getting really annoyed._

_“I told him to tell you.”_

_Isaac shrugged. “Must’ve slipped my mind. You took ages getting those eggs,” he laughed. But Maeve could tell something was off._

_“Are you sure you didn’t get a message?” Otis asked, his voice shaky._

_But Maeve wasn’t paying attention to him. “What the hell is he talking about, Isaac?”_

_She saw Isaac trying to find the right words to say, his mouth inaudibly trying to form vowels and consonants in a meek attempt at an excuse until he acquiesced under Maeve’s impatient glare. “You were dealing with so much shit after what happened with your mum and I-“_

_“What happened with your mum?”_

_“- I just wanted to spare you from another encounter with Captain Dickhead-”_

_“Hey!”_

_“- and you left your phone here and I,” he cleared his throat, fiddling with the joystick on his wheelchair, “I deleted the message.”_

_She was still trying to process the information when Otis’ voice jolted her out of her thoughts._

_“What?!”_

_Isaac moved forward, confronting Otis, “You’re no good for her! I heard what you said to her at the party – she doesn’t need that. A jackass like you doesn’t deserve her!”_

_Before Otis could retort back, Maeve spoke up, “Yeah maybe he doesn’t.” She looked at Otis, now stunned at Maeve’s words. His eyes read defeat and a part of her was glad to have hurt him back. She turned towards Isaac and snatched her grocery bag off his lap. “But you don’t either. Just because we share trauma doesn’t mean you have the right to mess with my life. We’re done.”_

_Wordlessly, she walked towards her caravan and moved to open her door. Another disappointment. She felt like she was a prop being used in some TV show and she was not here for it. She entered the mobile home calmly and set out to put her groceries in the fridge. As she moved to put the milk in the fridge, she heard the door close._

_He stood there silently as she put the rest of her groceries away. Once she was done, she leaned against her fridge and looked pointedly at him, hoping her eyes would cut through him like daggers. “Are you just gonna stand there like some fucking idiot or talk?”_

_“What happened with your mum?” He looked around at the empty caravan. “Elsie?”_

_God it was so hard to be mad at him._

_Maeve stayed silent, opting to just stare him down instead. She loved watching him squirm. The way he shifted from one foot to another with his hands stuffed tightly in his jean pockets reminded her of a penguin. A cute penguin, but still a massive dickhead._

_Otis looked so unsure of what to say. She could practically see his gears spinning, trying to find a right combination of words._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_Maeve snorted. “That’s all you have to say? I’m sorry?,” she mocked. “Yeah, well I’m sorry too, for ever fucking trusting you in the first place.”_

_“Maeve-”_

_“Don’t. I’m fucking tired, Otis. I can’t keep doing this with you. You’re just another fucking person to let me down, no big deal. Shame on me. Now fuck off, I have work I have to do.”_

_She turned her back on him and walked towards her bedroom, slamming the door shut. She could still smell her mum’s perfume and Elsie’s scent lingering in the air; she could still picture them together on the bed. Elsie’s toys and clothes lay scattered on the floor and stuffed in a hamper. There seemed to be no escape. And it’s not like she could go anywhere right now with Otis standing in her living room._

_She plopped onto her bed with a sigh. How did everything go so wrong?_

_Minutes passed when she heard a knock on her door. Of course, he hasn’t left yet._

_“Maeve?”_

_She refused to respond._

_“I-I am really sorry, Maeve. I’m sorry I made your life harder. I’m sorry I broke your trust. I’m sorry for the things I said at the party. I’m sorry I snapped at you after you told me how you felt. I’m sorry for being a dickhead. I’m so sorry, Maeve.”_

_He would have to do better than that to get her to open the door._

_“I…I- I love you, Maeve.”_

_Maeve bolted up, staring at the door, in disbelief. Did she hear him correctly? Did he actually say those words? Is this all a dream? That makes more sense. It’s a dream._

_“I love you.”_

_Okay, not a dream but definitely better than apologies. Damn him._

_“I’ve loved you ever since that day you came to check on me behind the toilet blocks. I’ve loved you for a long time but I was too scared to tell you. So, I stuffed my feelings down and just let myself be your friend. And that was enough. It really was. Just being around you and laughing with you made me happy. You make me so happy, Maeve. I just never thought that I could make you happy too. I was happy being the kid nobody knew, hiding in the back of the class, being a nobody. And you – this super smart, funny, deathly sharp, beautiful girl – came into my life and turned it upside down. I mean you were the girl of my literal dreams. And suddenly, I didn’t want to be a nobody anymore. You showed me I could be someone. I just never thought that someone like you could ever want to be with someone like me. And when you told me your feelings, I reacted badly. I was so caught up with trying to be a good person and not like my dad that I hurt you, someone who is so, so important to me. I know it might be too late but I’m here to say that I messed up. Really bad. But if you give me another chance, I won’t mess it up again. I know it doesn’t really mean much, but I promise._

_It’s you, Maeve. It’s always been you.”_

_Her head felt like thick mud and all of his words were wading through slowly. She was spinning and falling and it seemed like no one was going to catch her. She was all alone in this room-_

_Otis was halfway to the front door, probably resigned to the thought that she no longer wanted anything to do with him, when Maeve hurriedly opened the door. “Tell me again.”_

_He turned around to face a disbelieving Maeve, her eyes piercing though him, and her feet planted so firmly on the ground as if she would fall otherwise._

_He took her in until he finally realized what she wanted._

_“I love you.”_

_Then, all of a sudden, Maeve felt this boiling feeling in the pit of her stomach. She marched toward him, defiant and angry. Mere meters away, she looked up at him and stared daggers. “Do you think that just because you say you love me that I’m now going to forgive you? That everything you said at the party suddenly disappears? That suddenly everything is fine and I’m just going to be your girlfriend? Is that what you think?!”_

_“No. No! Of course not, Maeve.”_

_“Then why are you telling me that?”_

_Otis took a deep breath, steeling himself. “Because it’s the truth. And I haven’t been very honest with you which is incredibly unfair. I don’t expect you to forgive and forget, Maeve. I know that there are people in your life who have said what I just said and still hurt you._ I _hurt you. And if you don’t ever want to see me again, I’ll understand. But I just needed you to hear the truth from me, just once, and that was the most truthful I could be with you.”_

_And in another 180, Maeve felt her arms and legs go limp and tears fall freely from her eyes. All the exhaustion bottled up inside of her felt this was the most opportune time to let itself out. And of course, Otis was there to catch her as she fell._

_He held her there, in the center of her mobile home, as she cried into his shirt. Even through all the tears and the snot, she could smell him. It brought back memories of his jumper and that almost-kiss on the bridge and how almost every night, she’d clutch it against her chest as she slept or wrapped the freakishly long sleeves around herself as she wore it when she was cold. She had missed it so much. There was a calming effect his smell had on her that she couldn’t explain. And she felt like such a hopeless sap for even admitting such a thing._

_She didn’t know how much time had passed when her breathing started to slow down and her ears were no longer filled with the sounds of her own voice but his, whispering gentle words of assurance. It made her hate-love him even more._

_“Do you want to sit down?” She nodded, not trusting herself with her voice. He led her to the couch, his arm still around her shoulder._

_Isaac was wrong – he thought he knew who Otis was and what was best for her, with the limited amount of information he had. Otis, even though he could be an asshole sometimes, cared for her. He was the first boy who didn’t want anything from her. He genuinely wanted to be with her. He was the first person she ever felt safe with – let alone safe enough to cry in front of._

_“I called Social Services on my mum.”_

_“And they took Elsie too?”_

_Maeve nodded, still not looking at Otis. She wiped her tears on the ends of her sleeves and sniffled._

_“I’m so sorry, Maeve.”_

_“Yeah, me too.”_

_They sat there quiet for a while, the only sounds filling the space were Maeve’s efforts of trying to pull herself back together._

_“You’re not going to ask me why?” She finally took a look at him and where she thought there would be pity, was compassion, understanding._

_He shook his head. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. I know you wouldn’t do something so lightly or out of spite without a good reason. I’m just worried about how you’re doing.”_

_“God, Milburn,” Maeve fell back onto the couch in exasperation. “Why do you have to be so… good?”_

_Otis shrunk down to her level on the couch, matching her position, but didn’t speak. She turned her head to look at him and saw his face scrunched up, trying to find the right words to say, the right words to be. God, he was adorable. “Because you’re good too.” Damn him, he did find the right words._

_“It was a rhetorical question, dummy.”_

_“I’ve been downgraded from moron to dummy? I don’t know if that’s a compliment or an insult.”_

_Maeve smiled and shrugged. “It means I like you. Even if you’ve been an asshole.”_

_Otis was beaming, or trying really hard not to. But he stayed still and waited for her to finish._

_“I don’t know what we’re doing Otis. But I know that I want to keep doing it. It’s going to take some time before I can forgive you-“_

_“I know, Maeve. I’m not asking for us to be together. Like I said, I’m happy to just be around you. I just want to be there for you, if you’d let me.”_

_God, he really was good. And so confusing. She had never met someone like him, so earnest and genuine. Sometimes, it startled her but most of the time, it was like a breath of fresh air amidst the dust she’d be so accustomed to inhaling. She’d always thought that people like him only existed in stories – men were never as kind as they should be. In her experience, they always had some type of vested sexual interest, but not Otis._

_“Can you stay?” Maeve asked, reluctant to look at him in fear of being turned down. The past week was dreadful and she really didn’t want to be alone anymore._

_His response was quick. “Yeah, of course.”_

**.**

The next morning, she had woken up on the couch, wrapped in his arms. He was still sound asleep. She stayed like that, for a while, feeling the rise and fall of his chest and being ensconced by his warmth and smell. She reveled in the quiet of the caravan and for a moment, the quiet didn’t bother her like it used to.

Then, the fog from last night and sleep rose and reality hit her. Hard. She rose up and her mind started spinning. There was this intense urge to get out, leave before everything came tumbling down because it eventually would – she’d ruin it.

But Mrs. Sands and the Quizheads kept creeping up her mind for some reason. Having something good in her life made her want more. It was a dangerous place to be in. But that bit of hope kept reeling her back in, preventing her from getting up from the couch and running out of her own home.

Before she could make a decision, she felt the couch beneath her stir as Otis woke. _Crap_. He turned on his back and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, his stork-like legs stretching behind her. She bit her lower lip, confused at all the thoughts and feelings swirling in her head. His eyes locked with hers. She was mesmerized with how blue they were in the morning light.

“Mornin’,” he said, his voice still gravelly with sleep. “Hey, you okay?”

God, how did he always know?

“I’m, um, I’m going to go take a shower.” Maeve rose quickly, pointing her thumb down the hall.

He sat up and nodded, a bit confused. “Okay. Um, I should probably go anyways. Eric and I were planning to hang out.”

She nodded curtly and briskly walked down the hall towards the bathroom. She was past the kitchen when she heard the front door open. She held her breath, bracing herself when she turned around.

“Thank you,” she blurted. When he looked at her, the door handle still in his grasp, she continued, “For staying with me last night.”

He gave her a wide smile, “Of course.” He moved to leave but then stopped himself. “Are you free tonight? Do you want to get something to eat?” His earnest nervousness made her smile. He’d wormed his way back into her good graces. For some reason, he had become her weak spot in all the armor she’d created for herself. What was she gonna do, not be with him?

Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded instead.

His smile grew even wider. “Great. I’ll come by at 6.”

They spent the next month and a half like that, hanging out. Things were settling back to normal. Except it really wasn’t normal. Now, there was always tension in the air – both of them now equipped with the knowledge that they liked each other, they flirted openly a lot more and did a lot more cuddling but it never got anything more serious beyond that. They were taking things slow and seeing where things would take them. Prior to this, they’d been really distant but suddenly, they sprung back together, stuck to one another’s side like glue. It was a lot of process and Maeve was still grappling with what had happened at the party. But honestly, she was scared. Scared that he’d hurt her again, scared that he’d leave, scared that things would just fall apart and she’d be alone again.

But Otis seemed to always be there, right next to her or a text message away. He never pushed and seemed genuinely happy to just be with her. She kind of liked it. Well, she loved it. And she loved him.

Otis was walking her back home after they’d spent yet another day together. They’d graduated to holding hands – only in private though – and Maeve couldn’t help but want to do this forever. She couldn’t help but want more. His hands were soft and rough at the same time and larger then hers but wrapped around hers nicely. They were always warm to the touch and whenever his fingers reached out, she felt tingles down her spine. But instead of the anxious, flight-y feeling the tingles always seemed to come with, they always seemed to signal her to reach out to. He was safe.

They were crossing the bridge now and though it was the start of summer, the breeze from the water below sent a chill through her. And she remembered that almost-kiss on the bridge.

“I threw away your jumper,” she blurted out, stopping in the middle of the bridge, their connection now severed.

Otis looked confused, trying to understand what she was saying. “What?”

She looked up at him. He was a few meters away from her and all she wanted to do was kiss him but this is something she had to say. She took a breath. “That jumper you gave me on this bridge. I threw it away.”

She was prompting him and even though he was still confused, he seemed to get that much. “Okay. Um, why?”

“I was going to return it to you. But then I saw you kissing Ola and I got mad and threw it away.”

He took a step forward. “I’m still confused.” 

She sighed and swallowed – it was vulnerability time. “For a while, it was the only thing that helped me get to sleep. I had feelings for you and I was just too afraid to tell you. But then you sent me that trophy and the letter and I finally got brave enough to tell you. So, I went over to yours and I saw going to return it back to you because I thought you felt the same way but then I saw you kissing Ola.”

“And you got mad and you threw it away,” he finished.

She nodded. “I really liked you and I thought you had liked me too-“

“I did like you.”

She smiles, “I know. Now, I know. But then, I was mad. At you for being so freaking kind and at me for letting myself fall for you. And then all the shit happened between us and then you told me you loved me and now we’re here and-“ Now she was the one rambling. She took a breath and said, “I just needed to tell you, I’m sorry I threw it away. And I’d really like another one, if you’d give it to me.”

It took Otis a second to process what she was saying to him but when he did, a large grin took over his face. “I have many more jumpers, Maeve. You can have all of them if you’d like.” Over the past month and a half, he’d grown much more confident and it really turned her on.

He stepped forward again, minimizing the space between them. Now they were only centimeters away from each other. She could feel her breath hitch from the sudden move and she slightly looked up at him – she quite liked that feeling. He was tall. When did he become that tall?

It was like that time on the bridge again, lips so close together and tension swirling around them, pulling them towards one another.

But Maeve could never resist teasing him. Her eyes glinted with mischief as her gaze traced his lips and then landed on his own eyes, daring him. The corner of her lip upturned into a smirk. “Are you going to blurt out that you’re a virgin again or are you finally gonna kiss me, Milburn?”

“I’m not a virgin anymore, am I?” Otis retorted back. And before she could gather herself to quip back, he knocked her off her feet again and kissed her. His arms wrapped around her waist and interlaced at the small of her back while hers, trapped between their bodies, made their way around his neck. It wasn’t chaste and awkward like she’d thought it would be. It was passionate and intense as his lips danced on hers and his tongue asked for entrance. All the tension between them finally broke when he finally slipped his tongue into her mouth and she couldn’t help but moan at the new sensation. Her hands found themselves on the sides of his jaw and playing with the hairs on the back of his head while his pulled her closer to him, one arm wrapped around her waist and the other along her spine, supporting her. Yeah, this new confident Otis really turned her on.

**.**

Otis sidling next to her broke her out of her daydream. He held out his hand for her as she shut her locker. “Your chariot awaits, madam.”

Maeve laughs and loops her arm around the one he offers her. “You’re so weird, Otis.”

“Yeah, but you love it.”

_She really does. God, he’s turning her into a pile of mush._ Seventeen year-old Maeve would have been so embarrassed for her (current-her can feel past-her cringe), but almost-nineteen year-old Maeve clutches onto her boyfriend’s arm and leans up to kiss him. She doesn’t really mind the change much. She’s young and in love and that’s all that really matters to her at the moment. The logical, intellectual, feminist part of her urges her to not put all her eggs in one basket but there’s this inexplicable feeling in her gut that tells her to _“lean in further; trust him.”_ It also tells her that _“he’s the one.”_ She decides she’s going to trust her gut.

In between kisses, she says, “I love you,” and for the first time Maeve feels free, no longer constricted by her past. The world is her oyster and she’s dead-set on holding onto this feeling for as long as she can. And she knows, without a doubt that Otis will be by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Hope you're all safe and healthy!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think! I hope everyone is healthy and safe amidst all of this chaos. I'm doing fine, just struggling to keep boredom at bay being cooped up at home lol. Be well~


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